Traveling With Family

Vacations have notoriously been glamorized by television, movies, and literature, but they have also been the subject of great comedies when family is involved. Sometimes, however, the tension is not as comedic as the stereotypes ... And sometimes the reality is that our family can force us to face our many faults, demons, and in some cases insecurities. So I will share a very personal experience so maybe I can begin to have a new perspective. Let me begin with Facebook. I love it for sharing pictures and stories and for seeing those same things from dear family and friends. Keeping me company on many a lonely evenings, I find solace in having someone on the other end ... If only for a short chat. Now let me mention a sister who loves to take pictures and who often makes poor decisions when it comes to dealing with sensitive family matters, although she truly means well. Combine the two -- The sister and Facebook -- and catastrophe occurs. Ok, I might be exaggerating a it but it didn't feel like that this morning. I had given this sister strict guidelines for the pictures she posts, especially the ones she tags. In the midst of finally gaining some self-esteem back from having it stripped away for several already mentioned reasons in this blog, my sister decisions to post and tag a certain photo derailed months of healing. ( again, I stress that it would never be intentional and in fact, she feels great remorse after hearing about my reaction. What was my reaction when I opened Facebook this morning to see the picture. Horrified. Nauseous. Anxiety-ridden. Mortified. (Ok, I think that clarifies). I Immediatelyntried to call her and when that failed, I marched down to her room in the timeshare complex and barged in, hoping to have her take it down immediately. Of course, if I knew how to do that my my IPad, i would have. Luckily, I knew she often kept herself logged into Facebook, so I was able to good line and delete it. But the damage was done. Yes, I started to calculate the time differce and realized that IT, the dreaded picture, could have been viewed by anyone on Facebook back home on a Saturday morning. Oh, like everyone. (Yes, sarcasm again.) Why? Why did I have such a reaction? It's simple, really. I've been single for two years ... I'm lonely ... And when I saw the picture, this is what went through my head: oh my God, I am so fat and now so many men have seen that they I will never be asked out. Extreme? Ridiculous? Maybe to some but certainly not to me. That's my reality ... That's what I see. Even if I know that I should tell myself that a good man should want me,love me, for my inner beauty, (and I do believe that is true), I don't trust men any more to fulfill that truth. That's my reality. Scarred from others, I still haven't healed ... But I'm trying. I promise a happy post next time. Peace, Krista

Kauai -- Princeville

I'm finally here. And it is idyllic. My condo is a simple two-bedroom place on a golf course on the ocean. Beautiful. With the tradewinds no air conditioning is needed, so all the windows open to let the breeze flow through. A favorite scene: watching the curtains dance while the cool winds blow, creating a sensual flowing of sorts. I'm not sure why I love it ... But the simple sign of life through nature seems to be here, in my room. Even while napping early afternoon, the sheer curtain would come to greet my foot at the end of the bed ... And I just smiled. It's really that simple. To walk to the beach closest my place, I must walk approximately two miles, most of it down a steep trail the winds around through the rainforest-looking foliage. Breathtaking, since the rain had come, the leaves and the mud proved to be a bit slippery. But taking good advice from my hiking friends, I had purchased a good pair oF Keens to balance my stature. Once at the end, the quiet beach has the expected lava rocks here and there; however, the beauty lies in the greenery ... The trees the create an overhang above the sand, a picturesque setting. The intrigued occurs on the return trip, a steep uphill climb, still beautiful, but as someone who is only a little more in shape, I had to stop a fees times to get breathng in sync ... And check on my other physical well being. Definitely worth the trip. The next hike -- Ke Ala Hele Makalea -- and our first offical trail proved to be as beautiful as claimed. It runs along the coastline from Kapaa north. What makes the walk mesmerizing is the constant roar of the waves hitting the wall of Black lava rocks that lie at the bottom of the cliffs. My favorite is the white foam that forms and the water meets the edge, and today the rain showers that hit sporadically made for a stunning show with the waves surging with greater force. Although the trail is mostly flat, it didn't disappoint. I will stop here for now. Many stories to come ...

The Preparation: Hiking the Trails of Kauai ... and Thoreau

Who would have thought that the purchasing and packing could be so fun.  Well, actually I knew it would be since I found joy last year at this time in my preparation for Europe.  Of course, I will consider myself a bit broke financially when I return, but I'm not poor.   There is a difference.

I'm most intrigued by my upcoming hikes, knowing that some of the most scenic views will come from the trails.  After my visit to Leavenworth, Indiana two fall breaks ago, where I enjoyed hiking the small trails of O'Bannon Woods in Crawford County, I knew I would enjoy more hikes ... I just needed a place and, of course, someone to hike with me.  Side note:  on one of the longer trails, while alone, I do remember having an image enter my thinking, which looks about like this:  I'm alone without my cell phone and no one else is on the trail and because of my weak ankles, I suddenly fall and find myself stuck.  (Then of course I started humming the banjo theme song to the movie Deliverance ... I still shudder.  No need to link here).

Thus, my love of hiking.  And now a chance to do it on a big scale on the Island of Kauai ... still in awe.  After researching, my goal is to hike eight trails, three which would require dedication, perseverance.    Am I ready?

And I ponder:  if I enjoyed it so much, why haven't I done more of it?  What pleasure does it bring?

Now my reflection on just that topic ...

If I had to analyze my interest in Nature, it certainly wasn't from my childhood.  I was a city-girl who was scared of the dark, so any trip into the woods sent a certain fear through me (the bogeyman was just waiting), keeping me from any pleasure it had to give.  But then I read Thoreau.  Or should I say I was awaken to his writing through my college professor Alice Friman, the woman who gave me wings and my passion for literature.  Her love of Thoreau, among so many others, is yet another reason I am an English teacher, a lover of literature, and when I read the words of Thoreau and his love of Nature, I fell.

So I just re-read Walking, one of his many essays, and memories surged.  Yes!  If I had to explain one part of my view of Life, I would simply quote him.  Often.  As such, I will share a few paragraphs:


"What is it that makes it so hard sometimes to determine whither we will walk? I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright. It is not indifferent to us which way we walk. There is a right way; but we are very liable from heedlessness and stupidity to take the wrong one. We would fain take that walk, never yet taken by us through this actual world, which is perfectly symbolical of the path which we love to travel in the interior and ideal world; and sometimes, no doubt, we find it difficult to choose our direction, because it does not yet exist distinctly in our idea."


"Life consists with wildness. The most alive is the wildest. Not yet subdued to man, its presence refreshes him. One who pressed forward incessantly and never rested from his labors, who grew fast and made infinite demands on life, would always find himself in a new country or wilderness, and surrounded by the raw material of life. He would be climbing over the prostrate stems of primitive forest trees." 


As I read his words again, I believe that my love of walking the paths in the woods can be likened to our journeys through this life.  So many writers utilize the journey as a significant role, and I'm attracted to understanding those journeys.  In my own journey my path has been anything but easy, and to heal from some of the bumps, I had to analyze, reflect, and analyze again.  Some people easily find comfort in their Faith if they question their pains ... and I, admittedly, do not easily find such comfort, usually more questions, unless it comes through the words in literature.  I tell my students on many occasions that literature saves me ... (I had to pause here with my thoughts).


Hiking or walking gives me a sense of peace that I don't often find in other places ... because I take the time to listen, to look, to feel, to wonder, to dream, to believe ... and I tap into "wildness" that lies within, that which is Krista, the woman, longing to live and love with passion.


So my hikes in Kauai will be dedicated to Mr. Thoreau ... for giving me a little faith in my journey.

The Two Years of Hell ...

I promise to keep this brief ...

As I so often asked my Creative Writing students to do, I am going to take my own advice and simply do a random blog that's not really random, but it's deliberately vague at times.    The other day, after I had a minor breakdown when I was told that I would have to pay 1400 for a new air conditioner unit for the outside of my house, I decided to simply start a list of when my two years from hell started.  (It would be an interesting visual to graph my stress level and sadness during this time ...)  So with that, here is that simplified list:  *the months may be wrong but not the experience ...

*Months of pain, weight gain, and depression (personal and professional)
July 2010:  Surgery
August 2010:  Humiliating Break-up of long-term relationship
February 2011:  Death of Jim (former father-in-law)
April 2011:  Death of Homer (family neighbor for 47 years -- note:  my age)
April 2011:  Death of Beth (25-year-old cousin to my children)
August 2011:  Significant physical pain
September 2011:  Diagnosis of Aunt Phyllis's terminal cancer
September 2011:  Start of major medical testing after being told, "It's not Leukemia" (earlier blog)
October 2011:  Death of Uncle Bill
November 2011:  Replaced roof
December 2011:  Major surgery
December 2011:  Mom's heart attack
January 2012:  Mom's return to hospital
February 2012:  Death of Ky
March 2012:  Mom's triple by-pass surgery and 19+ days in hospital
March 2012:  Professional nightmare concerning another colleague
May 2012:  Replaced sump pump
June 2012:  Replaced air conditioner

*Of course, I could easily add a few details to each of these more vague ones, but for now, I won't.  I'm also choosing not to include all of the trials of my professional stresses, minus the one I included ... so you can infer that the one I included affected more than anything else I've encountered in my teaching career.

At this point my family and I have started joking about how my physical body seems to be connected to my house, and for those of you who know your Poe, I believe you'll understand why I immediately thought of The Fall of the House of Usher.  Rather perfect, don't you think?

The good news ... it's getting better, stronger ...

Thus, I'm still Reviving Krista ...

I Am Back ...

As I look back at the last blog I actually posted, I realize that I left anyone reading hanging a bit, and for that, I apologize.  But with the way the rest of the semester played out, I'm not surprised I didn't blog.  Such a long story.

Now I'm back.  I will take a moment to reflect on the chaos that was my life in another blog; however, I would rather focus on the next adventure this summer, which I am going to term simply The Metheny Family Adventure, since it is just that ... my entire immediate family will be going to Kauai in less than two weeks for a much needed time of relaxation.  Of course, that could be part of the humor.  Can my family really vacation together and relax.  We shall see.

Thank you for riding along.

Surviving the Surgery and Then ...

The surgery.  It's done.  It was successful, and according to the doctor, definitely needed.  I was, without going into details, "a mess in there."  In other words, I was not crazy; the pain was real.  So now I'm on my way to "a new lease on life" and I couldn't be happier ... or couldn't have been happier ...

During the third week of my recovery, my mom, a 100 lbs, non-smoker, non-drinker, and overall healthy 73-year-old woman, had a heart attack. I couldn't believe it.  None of the family could.  And to make it more unbelievable, there is no history in her family of heart problems.  So why my mom?

But she survived it and was actually euphoric once she realized that she survived one.  But then ...

Less than a week later, while I was sitting at her house while my dad was talking his daily walk, she awoke, looking ashen.  When I asked what was wrong, she claimed, "I don't feel right."  So, I followed the hospital release instructions on how to handle this type of scenario, possibly angina.  I gave her the first nitro pill and waited the minute.  I gave her the second and call my sister.  "Do I call 911?"  After it didn't work, I gave her the third nitro and made the call.  The ambulance arrived, 8-10 paramedics, firemen, etc.  Chaos.

My 12-year-old niece was there to witness the scene.  But that brave girl took care of the dogs (four to be exact) and even ran to retrieve a pair of sweat pants and sweatshirt for me since I was still in my jammies and robe.  (Didn't really feel like welcoming the crew with that look ....)

That's when the real stress started ...

To be continued ...

Pregame

It's a Saturday night.  I've been cleaning my house, preparing for the inevitable bed rest that comes with the surgery.  Not surprising, I'm not looking forward to the recovery ... not for the fear of the pain, but the fear of the solitude.  I know the routine.  I lie around, needing to be taken care of ... the Jello, the Gatorade, the Nabisco Saltines, and the Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup ... all placed nicely on the chair next to me.  But this time, it's a longer recovery, so they say.  Oh my ...

Alone with my thoughts.