A Life-Changing Experience: The Reflection *That I Never Shared

I told a friend today, "I've come a long way, baby", thinking back to commericals and ads that have used this idiom.  But it is so true, at least when referring to my inner-self ...

I've been back two weeks.  As people ask, I simply say that it was an amazing trip, and truly a life-changing experience.  And when friends ask what the most memorable experience was, I honestly can't say one aspect, a combination of it all, I suppose.   It truly gives one a new perspective on life, and for me, it has given me a passion for more travel ... for more awareness of our global community.  Whether alone or with a companion, I want to see other cultures, other histories, other religions ... and soak it all in ...

Thinking back, I enjoyed all of the small towns in the Netherlands, each with their own style and their own church; those are the real secrets to learning about a people.

That was July 2011.  It is now November, and I just opened this.  I never finished it.  That is really too bad, because I need to find the joy, the strength I had then ...

So I shall. 

I just tagged a few pictures from my trip to my Facebook, mostly those with words.  Words: I just need to use them in writing.  Here they are:

 

So many places

So many emotions

So much joy

Looking ...

Still Searching

Warning: Emotion Overload

Blogging by Light Box:  Now That's the Life  (That's another working title for this...) 

To find out that the woman you have been for the past 10+years could all stem from an invasion in your body, the unwelcomed enemy that can impact one's well being ... hell ... one's mental state.  Could I really have suffered so much mentally because of a 'curable' condition?  Warning ... language ahead ... fuck!

As so many people understand, depression is real and does affect the quality of life, especially if untreated.  I treat mine with the appropriate medications and do well.  But there are days when I don't want to face the day.  There are days that I know I am 'out-of-control' with my emotions:  stress, angry, sadness, anxiety ... have I named them all?  And like many people, I blame my genes (even my jeans sometimes if I can't fit into them), but what if it is not just my ill-functioning brain that is all at fault?  What if ...  Warning ... language ahead ... damnit!  Are you kidding me?

A friend of mine told me to listen to a Coldplay song loudly while reading the lyrics.  "Every Tear is a Waterfall"  Maybe I should share that there was one birthday where all of my family members gave me a birthday card one year with the same joke:  PMS.  Yes, at the time I laughed.  Sort of.  A part of me wanted to scream and cry because it really wasn't a joke, not in my world.  Foreshadowing? 

Heck, I do cry ... a lot ... often ... for sadness and sentimentality.  Isn't that just me?  Or is it that my body, my female body, betrayed me?

So, I'm getting a hysterectomy and for some reason I am overwhelmed with emotions I didn't expect.  I'm angry that I have suffered because of this ... knowing, again, it could be worse ... and I hate the idea of this surgery, taking a part of me, an essential part of my ability to give birth to my children (my lifesavers, daily), is going to be removed!   And that makes me question the surgery.  Quite the quandry.

So many fears and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts ....

To be continued ...

At Least I Know ...

What separates us from men -- the ability to bear children (among other things, I suppose).  And it's those parts of our body that create life, bring us our miracles, that betray us. 

After a couple of months of poking and prodding and worrying and inventing, I have my answer; I have to have a hysterectomy.  After the initial visit with a new gynocologist and after his adamant response to my visit, he said my pain is "not gynocological."  His words.  So four doctors later and every procedure done, I return to another new gynocologist who, after hearing my history, says, "You should have a hysterectomy."   

But I thought it wasn't gynocological? (insert searing sarcasm here). 

For what it's worth, I knew it was, but who will listen to me?  It's just MY body, right?

So is that why I had a moment of wanting to break down in the office ... why my blood pressure was too high to leave?

Am I more scared of surgery or the idea of what it all means?

Still thinking about that one ... but it could be so much worse, and I know that. 

To be continued ...